I would like to take this time to thank someone who has been on my mind recently.
I don't know your name, but thank you, my friend. Yes, you. Thank you for picking up my cell phone that I left at the movie theatre. That was so kind of you! Thank you for picking up that phone and, instead of returning it to its rightful owner, running off with it. That was so cool of you, you cool thief! Thank you for taking that phone of mine and making no effort to return it to me.
Cool thief, you are the best. You're just so cool! Instead of stealing the phone and selling it in on Craigslist, you decided to make phone calls with it. Thank you! Thank you for calling my dear father and telling him that my phone was in fact still at the theatre. Thank you for making me leave work early to go to the theatre to find out that they, in fact, did not actually have it. Yet again, cool thief--so awesomely cool of you! Thank you!
Thank you, cool thief, for continuing to call family members telling them the phone was really at the theatre and instructing them to tell me to yet again return to the theatre to get my phone. Thank you for instructing them to tell me to be really pushy in order to prove it was me. That was such a great story you made up about a lot of people coming to the theatre looking for "lost phones". Thank you, cool thief, for making me abandon my studies, leave the library and walk a mile to get to the theatre before they closed. The looks on the employees' faces were priceless! They really didn't know what to say!
Thank you for, after wasting even more of my time, calling many of my friends and leaving messages like, "Wazzup my ni**a!!!!" or "I HEART C%CK!!!". Cool thief, what would I have ever done without you? I would never have had to e-mail so many people apologizing for the mass-text involving me and my "friend" Mary Jane. Apparently according to you, she's a flamer! Baha! You, cool thief, made all of this possible. You and that wit of yours!
Thank you, cool thief, for making me not cancel my phone for multiple days, leading my sweet concerned mother to call my own job to find out if I were still alive or not. Without you, this would never have been possible! Thank you!
And lastly, cool thief, thank you for just being you. Cool thief...You are just so cool!
(Inspired by Joe.My.God)