Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Reason I Don't Believe in God.

Sometimes I'm asked why I don't believe in God. People are just absolutely dumbfounded that I do not believe in any form of higher power. I do not believe in some esoteric form of energy, not some external observer, not a man in the clouds...nothing. I do not believe in any supernatural being whatsoever.

And so people drill me and ask me how I could live without God, how I can look around me and see so much beauty in the Universe and still not see what they see. They ask me to name one reason why I don't believe in God, and my answer is always simple.

Onions. That's right. I do not believe in God because of Onions.

You see, Onions are the oldest vegetable known to man. They are ubiquitous in nearly every culture, therefore finding themselves nestled into every form of indigenous food preparations: they are diced in Mexican salsa, tossed in Asian pan-fried noodles, form the base of Indian curry, are used in nearly all Italian sauces and basically are found the world over. Yet if a God did design onions, the oldest and most widely used vegetable humanity has ever known, why did he do so in such a poor manner? Consider that when you slice an onion, the cells release a toxic gas that forms sulphenic acid. The spontaneous and erratic behavior of this volatile gas eventually strikes the human eye and causes a dampened source of sulfuric acid boiling your eyes away. The nerve endings in the back of your eyes start to burn, and your tear glands react in order to dilute the acid in your eyes. Is this the "ultimate" design of God? Is this the best he can do? I mean, if he really is all-powerful and all-knowing, he should have thought that one out. How could God create an imperative design flaw for the most widely used vegetable in the world?

And then I begin thinking about other vegetables and fruits. Take coconuts. Have you ever tried to cut one? I've used a hammer and a baseball ball yet I still can't figure out how to open one of the damned things. How did God expect his creations to utilize coconuts 5,000 years ago with the limited knowledge they had then? And even if they could cut one of the annoying little brats open, do you see what little substance they provide? They're nearly entirely hollow and are pretty much useless, unless you feel two hours of banging a coconut is worth an ounce of coconut milk.

And then Pineapples! They're all prickly on the outside and they are impossible to open without a knife. Or what about Ginger--have you even seen what a Ginger Root looks like? I'll just throw it out there: PAIN IN THE ASS! Or, Apples--why would God make 4,000 types of Apples? Seems a bit over-the-top, especially since he can't even get Onions right.

Or, he just doesn't exist. I prefer that explanation.