Thursday, September 25, 2008

I Prefer To Be Called A "Non-Eater".

I never really was an eater. I mean, honestly, is it even natural? Look all around you, and it's clear--nowhere in nature does anything eat! Dogs, Horses, Cats, Zebras, Elephants, Dolphins, Turtles...nope. None of them eat!

On top of that, eating is expensive. Have you been to a restaurant recently? (I know I haven't!) Prices are soaring through the roof, and portion sizes aren't looking like it's worth what you're paying (not that I would know, of course).

Eating is also so time-consuming! As a student, I simply do not have three times a day to stop what I'm doing and begin gourging on something that is unnecessary in the first place.

So what did I do? Well, I did what every sane person would do--I stopped eating! That's right, I just shut my mouth and found other things to do. It only took maybe three weeks of involuntarily shaking and chunks of hair falling out before I began to realize that, maybe, eating is necessary.

So when I saw that some loons out in California are going to starve themselves for 40 days in order to "save marriage"...I said, "Well, more power to them! If they can do it, then maybe there is some truth to this non-eating lifestyle. Perhaps I can finally be at my goal weight--67 pounds!" (I know, even that's a bit on the hefty side).

So, Pastors and crazy loons in California, let me know how it goes. I'm currently 150 pounds, but I've always dreamed of being so emaciated I needed help up the stairs. Can you please let me know if after 40 days of fasting you're thin as a rail? Will you look like a crack addict on Sunday? Will you be so thin people will say, "I just loved your work in Schindler's List!"? If any of the above happens, get back to me! I want to be thin enough that Jesus looks beyond the gay thing and finally loves me!

Oh, and if you pass out and die, thus not allowing you to vote for Proposition 8? Well, it's God's Will.